913. - Ella Quittner

Episode summary: Ella Quittner is a great home cook and writer in New York. Her new book, Obsessed With The Best, is out now. We chat with her about meal replacement, cutting your hair at the airport, life's simple pleasures change during pregnancy, the Bon Appétit heyday, her time working in private equity, a truck driver's diet, eating "goo," her dad's level of whimsy, we make her compare herself to her siblings, her thoughts on some LA restaurants and dining overall, and what happens to her husband once they hit the airport. com/equittner⁠ com/donetodeath⁠ com/themjeans⁠

com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit fm/adchoices All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week. Jason, does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that.

We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. How long gone? Chris Black, daddy's little bitch. I'm back in New York. The rain is coming down, but I made it in time to podcast. It's been a long journey today, but I'm happy to be here. I had a late afternoon uncut cold brew as soon as I walk through the door, so I'm ready to fucking rock, TJ.

Okay, you ready to settle in and just enjoy the home for a while now? You've been traveling so much, or are you going to go on an international flight tomorrow? uh yeah tomorrow uh yeah tomorrow night back back on road i gotta shoot at 9 m and then finish that at three gotta hit the gym repack And then we're hitting Gay Paris, 9.30 m. from JFK. The game don't stop, baby. Un petit red-eye flight. Did you select your meal? I need to select my motherfucking meal. Air France. Air France is good.

Air France Le Premier is good. I will hopefully eat before or bring my own. What I like to do is get a little sushi and bring it to the airport if time allows. It's one of my favorite little... Since I'm a straight guy, I can't do anything like that. I'll be having the finest French chefs craft me a meal involving les petites poultry and fish. Honestly, nothing is straighter than eating the food on the plane. I've never thought about that before. That's the straightest shit you can do. It's free food and it's here.

I got the game on. Unless you own a restaurant and have the ability to have them pack something up for you or whatever. stopping to get sushi to like get ahead of your eating while you're traveling. Yeah, you just can't do it. Unless it's a snack. I can and I do, bitch. So how about that? Okay, the only straight way to do it to bring your own meal is to eat it and... also consume the airplane meal as well. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people talk about the Huel meal replacement shake.

We're doing both. You're saying we're hitting both. Yeah, I was talking to my friend Devin today. Shout out to Devin. Shout out to Devin. He's a tech guy. He's working. He doesn't have time. He's too busy vibe coding to have a broccoli and chicken breast brown rice plate. So he said he drinks a little Huel shake. 40 40 grams of protein you know while you're while you're clacking away on the figma or whatever yeah and he's like why don't you have those and i told him four hours ago i i care about meals too much to replace them I just have to add it to the pile.

I'm kind of with you on that. I don't need to. I don't know. I enjoyed them too much as well. You say it all the time. This is kind of all I got. Chocolate, chocolate, hot fudge sundae cake is sort of all you got. If you start approaching life like that for everything, it can get dark quick. Your level of joy is already so suboptimal. I haven't had joy since I was a child probably. Do you remember your last moment of pure joy before you got happiness mogged? Probably right before I woke up in the hospital.

That's probably... Before I saved my life and turned my existence around for... No, I'm joking. It was the last time I enjoyed happiness. I experience happiness all the time. I think joy is very different. I think joy feels like a word that can only be applied to someone that hasn't had life, kind of chew them up and spit them out in any way yet. You know what I mean? You said joy and happiness are very different things. I will say maybe... They're different things. I don't know if I'm going to say they're very different things.

No, you're right. At the very least, they're both positive things. Actually, you know what? I did experience some joy today, actually, now that I'm thinking about this. I told you guys this in the group chat, but I got off the plane. I'm kind of hustling because I want to get back in time to do a little organization for a pod. Once you get off the plane, you're going through JFK to go get a cab, there's a bathroom on the right. Right before you have to walk across the arrivals lounge. I'm familiar with that toilet area.

I'm going there to expel my bowels from all the water I drank on the plane. And I look over and there's an older gentleman cutting his hair in the sink at the airport. Like a pair of real, like he brought a pair of scissors, which I didn't think you could do because they were pretty real scissors. They're actually called shears, but yeah, go ahead. He wasn't cutting his hair. I'm just saying he wasn't cutting his hair with like nail clippers. You know what I mean? It was like a pretty real, it was a pretty, and he had like a, and this wasn't like some freak.

It looked like anybody's kind of dad, but his hair was overgrown, I would say. Okay. I've got some ideas. I have some thoughts. He was hacking, he was hacking away at it. And everybody in the bathroom was sort of like. yo what's good because the hair was getting everywhere and it was just sort of like this every it was just sort of this moment that everybody had together it's like i don't know man just leave it let's just leave the guy alone and keep it moving yeah i mean it reminds me of just the the season finale of of industry no spoilers but uh there's a character where he was he was in some hot water with you know some russian folks f-o-l-x and he was trying to maybe think about fleeing the country and he was you know he was assembling a last minute disguise you know so you'll see it you know yeah catch me if you can type shit identity thief but yeah so he's on the run and he's got to do an emergency haircut in an airport bathroom you might be right and maybe that's why right maybe everybody else like kind of realized that and that's why they were leaving him alone i was the odd man out because i've never seen a movie

So I wasn't really thinking. I wasn't really thinking. You go up to this international espionage criminal and you say, what you doing? I actually write for GQ and I have really... I just had a few questions about men's hairstyles. If you want me to help fade the back up a little bit, I can. If you have clippers, I'm happy to help. What, is that a two? Is that a two or is that a four? What are you running on that thing? I was just really thrown off because I was like, wow, I've been in so many airports.

I've seen so much weird shit. This might take the cake. But now that espionage is involved, it makes it a little sexier. It's not the guy with his bare feet putting him up on the wall. in Delta One or anything like that. Yeah, he's fine. That guy has smuggling zero things up his keister if he's got his shoes off, feet up on the wall. Not the keister. Also, there was a big Harry Styles cover of Runner's World. which i think is a you know last last album for harry's house he did he was on the cover of a of a british interiors magazine called house beautiful i believe house beautiful so he's he's doing i i do appreciate this because if you're him you can call any magazine you want and be like hey i got an album coming out what do you guys want to do so like next album if he's into fly fishing you know gardening gun cover i just where does this end you know what i mean he could do he could do whatever he wants this is the thing that that i think about and see all the time it's no longer enough to just be the thing that you are it's no longer you know, I'm a model.

I have to be a model who's also into horses or I have to be a international pop star. And then they're like, yeah, but like, what do you do? What are you into? Oh, you like sourdough baking? You like running? You like Japanese wrestling? Otherwise, they have nothing to talk about. Jimmy Fallon has nothing to ask you about if you're not a figure skater who's also into music. I don't think this is fair of you to take these celebrities down to the studs. They can only do one thing. It's not the celebrity's fault.

It's the system's fault for not being... You can't just be anything anymore. What do you mean you're just a hot person who's an amazing musician? Oh, well, no. You also have to have a sub stack about... being a uh you know dog mom or something well that that i agree is like sub stack's always the problem i'm talking about i just think that people are allowed to have hobbies but now we have to exploit those hobbies for for gain which i agree with but i think that in the case of bella hadid i think she's a real horse girl i think she's been doing that she was a kid and in the case of because harry ran the sub three marathon It's sort of like he's good in any running hood, from what I understand.

He is, he is. But I love the pictures. This woman, Laura Jane Colson, took the pictures. Clothes are good. I agree. There's one where he's in an ice bath that's quite good. But I was just like, this is clever. Obviously, you know, having... You know, I appreciate it. I don't know. I think it's funny to be able to do this and sort of go shirtless without it being weird. You know what I mean? Well, one thing I wanted to ask you about that, in that interview, I just saw a little snippet clip it.

I haven't read the whole thing. But he said that he started running to dance music mixes exclusively. What do you think about that? That doesn't surprise me. I feel like a lot of people, I think a lot of runners from the ones that I'm friends with, especially the more serious ones, I think you're trying to hit that Nirvana trance-like state. Ironically, Nirvana won't do that for you. Exactly, yeah. Trance might, Nirvana won't. So I think that I sort of, I get that. I think for running specifically, it makes a lot of sense, especially if you're doing long distance because you sort of want to get into the flow, which I feel like electronic music does better than any other genre.

Yes, and I think they were... He mentioned something saying like, you know, if you have your playlist of songs... then you're able to sort of get in your head and gamify. They're like, all right, well. Yes, I used to do that when I ran more. If Black Hole Sun Soundgarden is playing right now, that means I only got seven more songs left, and each song is averaging three minutes and 41 seconds. I've had time to do the math. That's real. That means I've got 3.8 more miles left to go. When you're listening to free jazz, it's a little harder to sort of time your splits in your own head.

That's real, though. I think that's why a lot of real... runner heads like all those guys i was with in jackson hole they're like basically like listening music is for pussies like if you need if you need music like you're in the wrong game i'm like dude i don't know if you're doing 250 miles i need something i don't know but maybe a snack we always gotta push it we always gotta push but the interview it is cool they got uh murakami to the interview though a known known runner but i just thought it was like that that made it really um i feel like that makes elevates it a little bit i agree i mean that's how you get Harry's PR to reply to that fucking email.

So we got Murakani on the line. We got Murakani. He's good to go. He's greenlit for this one. He's ready to rock. Other than that, though, not much happening, really. Did you see that video of Trump trying to put the metal on the guy? And he's so fat, it's like a choker. No. He's trying to put a metal on. I saw it, but I did not click play. Well, there's also this trend going on where hot... older women are like, this is what I was like, Mom, what were you like in the 90s?

And the Goo Goo Dolls plays, and it's just a montage of Drew Barrymore being the coolest person on earth in the 90s, or different members of the Sex and the City cast, Brooke Shields, I've seen a bunch of them. But it's another, I just love when the internet trends work in the way they're supposed to, where you actually get to post pictures when you are hotter. It just keeps, that's what keeps happening. You know what I mean? It just keeps happening. But when you're a celebrity, it's a little different. I feel like we've seen those pictures before.

You know what I mean? We know. Yeah, we know. We have some of them saved on a special folder. That's Jason's special folder. Don't go in there. Don't go in there now. I told you, do not go in there. I'm going to slap your damn hand. These are all rare finds. This is all pre-surgery, boys. Take a look. No, we call these, we call these. bc right here oh okay all right we do have a guest today um uh her name is any of her fans have already turned this off oh definitely they're they've already yeah they've fast forward if nothing else uh ella quitner uh is her name she has a new cookbook uh obsessed with the best i really like this concept for a cookbook where it's sort of like i

really went to the mat to try to find the best of everything and I'm reporting back to you now. I think a lot of head-to-head testing is something that we aren't doing a lot of these days as a culture. You like a bench test? Well, you know, I think I'm glad that you're excited and we found a cookbook. with the subject matter that you can sink your teeth into as a person who doesn't cook or own cookbooks. Except the ones that are nice looking. But hers I like because at the top it's cookies and at the bottom it's pancakes.

Let me tell you something. That's something I wouldn't mind taste testing if you know what I mean, big dog. Okay, I know what you mean. Well, I think I'm more interested in figuring out philosophically what does the best mean. You know what I mean? Okay, you're right. It means something different to everyone, especially a super taster. All right, let's give her a call. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke.

I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And I mean, it... How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs.

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So book trusted home help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code how long with the TaskRabbit app or at com. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down. The news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world. And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. A lot of questions, but how often?

Because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do? Three times a week. And I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess. The Guardian is not some billionaire owned. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts.

You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. but yeah this our pod is not video at all it's just just so we can see each other but it'll publicly it'll be only audio okay then i can pull my hair all the way back yeah exactly that's right you can do whatever no one will ever know can you guys hear My dog. You can even put on your big glasses.

Just fuck it. Nobody's ever going to know. These are actually part of my face. You're saying these are your daily drivers. No, like I was born like this. People assume I wear really big glasses, but it's actually a feature. You're saying this is God's plan. He gave them to you. Yeah, exactly. Do you have like emotional support? clothing items hats glasses goggles things like that unfortunately i have a lot and i'm pregnant right now so it's been like really bad like i can't get dressed in a normal way i literally being pregnant has turned me into a trucker like i have these pajamas i swear i got them like for free at an airport in 2004 or 5 i don't know i don't remember how they just like are in my life hold on do they have kit kats on them or anything spongebob cookie monster some of them have like a delta logo

And some of them are like... just gray but i like have in my head some of them so you mean there's seven okay there's this you're i think you're don't bury the lead that you have that you stole delta pajamas from the airport in 2004 i have like eight pairs and they're like so fucked up like they're holes in the most horrifying places and i swear like i will wear them out when i go walk my dog in the morning and none of my doormen can make eye contact with me anymore they don't want to see that they said not no no please no yeah because now that you just like a baby mama that's in the building trapped maybe we just got to get her out somehow exactly i'm like the woman from room running out of room every time they see me every time they lay eyes on me at the door okay so so living like a trucker in that say more on that expand on that please oh my god do i have to okay something you're like well i've been driving a lot lately cross country mostly yeah exactly um 18 wheeler uh i you know famously pregnancy is a very joyless time in a young woman's life right you can't drink or do drugs or like technically eat bluefin tuna much and like literally that's all of my hobbies is like martini like the only thing i can do that's my hobby is like talk shit and gossip but it's like if i'm not drinking i don't even welcome home sweetheart welcome home let us scratch that itch this afternoon so my like new hobby or passion if you could call it that like the only joy of my day is every day in the mid-afternoon i go out to walk my jog And I'll like go into the five guys at the corner across 7th Avenue from me.

And I'll hit the Coke 360 machine. And I'll do like a new mix, like a Diet Coke suicide. Like I'll do like a Diet Coke. I'll splash in like a Diet Vanilla Coke. I'll hit it with some Diet Cherry. You are not bench testing the Coca-Cola 360 machine, are you? It's certainly not precise in any way. When you go on the dog walk. Do you have a blue roll of masking tape over your wrists? It's actually over my mouth, yeah. And it just says, call 911. So, okay, when you say Coca-Cola 360, for those of us that aren't maybe as familiar with the soda dispensing...

Our AMC Stubs members are aware of this soda fountain technology. I haven't been to a movie theater in a long time. So you're saying the Delta... The Coca-Cola 360, you're saying that you hit the buttons and you can try all the flavors. You can mix. You can match. They do have this in the Delta Lounge, Chris, ironically. So true. I'm brought back to my youth. growing up in atlanta going to the world of coca-cola one of our major theme parks and attractions and the idea was that you could go into this room at the end of the world of coca-cola and you could try all of the coca-cola products from all over the globe yeah it's like that they put that in like a vending machine and if you pay like

[redacted address] You can do that. But you can't get, like, Iranian Diet Coke. You can only get, like... No, and it's actually fucked up that you can't. Like, it's actually, like, very nationalist. Of all the countries to name right now. Oh, sorry. It was just top of mind. It was just top of mind. It's activism. He had Indian in the chamber and he got nervous. I did get nervous. Sometimes I get nervous, Ella. I mean, I was joking around about you. bringing the masking tape and labeling it like the bear, you know, one, three parts, Mr.

Pibb, one part, you know, whatever diet sprite, but have you, are you, are you really doing a new suicide, a fresh random roll of the dice every time, or are you slowly chipping away at crafting a new perfect soda blend? I wish I could say it was the latter, but it's totally the former. Like, I think people are really surprised to learn this about me, that outside of work and outside of this bench testing I do, I'm so chaotic. Okay. Peaks and valleys. Like, I'm just going in there and I'm...

dispensing from the heart you know I'm letting my finger it's like a Ouija board it's like it's like when I go on a when I go on a trip I just spin the globe and put my hand exactly I let the coke machine take me it's all muscle memory yeah I think that's what it is I'm so like burned out from being a neurotic perfectionist that I just like let Jesus take the wheel and I'm like I'm one with the machine and I let it kind of guide me where it feels like I should go that day.

Because you guys brought up truckers, and we're talking about food, I don't know if you've seen this trend on the Instagram Reels application, but there's a thing where... this guy interviews truckers about what they get at the gas station when they're doing a long haul. So you see these kind of like toothless gremlins go into the fucking 7-Eleven and they're grabbing the wildest mix of shit you could possibly imagine to fuel a 12-hour trip. And these guys are not pregnant. yeah right i was gonna say i can't imagine it's worse than like what's in my tote bag right now like at any given time this week it's been i swear to god i got a massage last week and you know you're naked in a massage and i like stood up after i got off the table right and i stood up and i got off the table and i like stepped on the floor and my foot crunched on something Like a cockroach?

I was like, oh my god, is that a cockroach? It's like a massage. There's drum music playing. And it was a goldfish. And I was like, oh my god, that was somewhere on my body. To be clear, a goldfish cracker, not a live flopping goldfish. important to be more clear ella you don't already have a child no i have a dog i don't know if you can hear him he's eating a bone super hard right next to me right now i guess i'm just more concerned that the i don't know any adults who eat goldfish so that's kind of where i'm going yeah my palate has reverted to like a four-year-old like white toddler in 1984 like something i can't stop eating is honey nut cheerios and i keep bringing it up because like again i can't drink so i don't have anything interesting ever to share so i'm like have you guys had honey nut cheerios and everyone's like yes yeah there's no there's no surprise with that i think we all remember honey nut cheerios yes i'm a known um i eat cheerios a lot but the multi-grain I think it's a sleeper hit that has more flavor than people would realize.

It comes in a purple box or a purple accident box if you're at the store and you're looking to get crazy. Bit of a brag. No, I'm never at the store. I am such a degenerate these days. I'm always furiously in the Instacart chat. No, you cannot swap good culture low-fat cottage cheese for nonsense. It's not the same. No, you have to let them know. This is why I cannot ever use that app. This is New York shit, Jason. it's new york shit it's like you just have to do this like you just have to no one i know doesn't get groceries delivered no one really i mean i know plenty of dorks that go to the farmer's market do that whole thing but they're still supplementing the farmer's market we still got to get the good culture in our body exactly i'll performatively go to the farmer's market and i'll like take a picture of like an heirloom tomato and post it to story and be like tomato season hit you know like some I can't even find the words I'm like what would Alex Delaney say you know actually this reminds me I was listening to a podcast interview and you said you had you were sitting at your boring finance desk job and you'd look at Alex Delaney's Instagram and there'd be a photo of a cappuccino and it just says copped Like, I still don't know what that means.

Like, am I copying? Am I copying my diet soda? It means cappuccino secured. You know what I mean? I guess, but here's where I'm getting tripped up. It's like, he bought it. I don't know why this is so funny. Purchased it. Like, with his money, he, like, went in. And this was, like, 2017, so it's not even, like, Apple Pay. He, like, went in and paid for it. There's like cappuccino purchased. Yes, this reminds me. Like you didn't cop it. You did technically cop it. In his defense, he's using the term correctly.

I guess this is reminding me of when Jason would. It technically does mean you've purchased something in a transaction. Talk about early Twitter and be like, my first tweet was tacos for the win. It was just such a simpler time when you could. You could post a photo with a bad sepia filter on it of a coffee drink. I have 7,000 of those photos deep on my iCloud somewhere. And you could post that and someone somewhere will be like, I want to have sex with this person. This guy is living la vida loca.

I want to whatever you're drinking, sign me up. I miss that time so bad. Social media is so depressing today. To get someone to want to have sex with you via something you post, you have to work so hard. Tell me more, Ella. Tell me more. What's that like? Well, I'm married, so my husband has to have sex with me. I give him a little goldfish. That's my code word. No, but it sucks. I disagree with you. I think this line of thinking is wrong. I think social media is better than it ever has been, and you just have to dial it in.

I think that people... Are you affected by other people? Are you affected by jealousy? If you see... like a hot chick on an expensive vacation you're like that should be me so no but i am greatly affected by jealousy like i'm the most jealous petty person i've ever met other than my mom and i learned it from her and i'm like becoming her but i'm not jealous of that i'm jealous of like really arbitrary esoteric things that you wouldn't think i would be jealous but if somebody's on a vacation i'm like oh cool nice vacation you know like i'll like google her dad you know i'm just like okay that helps now we're talking now now we're speaking about so do you think anyone that you follow is paying for anything themselves i think that comp culture is completely spiraled out of control i've never heard you said comp comp culture comp culture yeah like People getting stuff comped.

I've never heard of anyone put a phrase or a name to my life. It's nice. I like it. It's the Diet Coke. It keeps me sharp. Jason loves to complain about comp culture and getting killed with dishes. Getting killed with desserts at the end and then a full check. That does suck when that happens. I think I'm just jealous and bitter because... All seven sorbets. I work for a lot of... There's not even a lot of publications that still exist. I work for a couple publications. You work for both publications.

Yeah, I work for two remaining publications that still have ethics policies. And so I'm not really participating in comp culture. If I were to renovate my house, it would probably not be a good look for me to get a comped oven. expensive fridge I want. You could at least get some Farrow and Ball paint, I'm sure. You think? I don't know. What if they were like, oh, go profile the prim British lady that Rebecca Mead already profiled 10 years ago, but everyone has brainwashed so nobody remembers. Maybe something from the Andy Bargani Restoration Hardware Collection, something non-culinary specific, perhaps?

Yeah, well, that's the thing. I know I never write about fashion, so I'm like, maybe someone wants to give me a Prada. I almost said a Prada pants. I don't write about fashion. Can you tell me what is the... Remember when all the startup DTC cookware brands existed for a five-year period? All too well. What's the worst product from that era, if you don't mind me asking? Only because I have my own ideas, but I'd like to hear it from an expert. I know that Maiden seems to have weathered the storm, and they seem to be considered a respected player in the game.

I don't know if you agree with that or not. I was thinking more Great Jones. People ride really hard for Maiden. I think those are well-made. I think Just Jura is well-made. Have you seen those? Just Jura? That sounds like a Latin pop star. Beautiful. It does, but it's just so stunning. It's like this guy, Gabe, in LA. And he makes like bench scrapers and knives and shit. And they look like art. Hold on. You're telling me a motherfucking guy in LA is making bench scrapers that look like art. I'll be the fucking judge of that.

I don't know if I want an artistic bench scraper. I'm going to head down to the MoMA right now and see if they have it. Okay. I think that works. I actually did a story on this a few years ago. Maybe a year ago. I don't know. Time is such a cipher. As a pregnant truck driver at the time. Yeah, literally. It's away from you. Yeah, why does a pregnant truck driver need an artisan bench scraper? That's the real question. But to scrape stuff off the passenger seat. Like if a Philly cheatsake spills out into the leather stitching.

If one of the kilos in the gas tank gets opened up, you got to move some heavyweight. Of course, I'm an oxo girly. pertains to the bench scraping i i'm not familiar with with maiden i mean i know the term but i'm not familiar with we were at the when we were at the restaurant yesterday i was holding that giant oh yeah giant pan that's amazing okay oh i got you sorry sorry we digress ella no those are nice i think those are made out of like real metal and i think the ones that people fucking hate are the non-stick they like yassified for millennial non-stick so like always fan was one of those do you remember it came out and it was in everyone's yes it was like in that time of food media becoming psychotically cool there were these like salmon colored pots and they had like 30 inserts and strainers and i the story i did was because like a year or two ago there were like a trillion listings on facebook marketplace that were like I'm leaving this piece of trash outside my apartment.

It's like completely scratched up. It doesn't work every time I try to use it to even reheat pizza burns it like that kind of thing. But I will say, I don't know. Like, I think that company did create something, which is really cool, which I haven't tried either around the time I was writing that, which is like a new. Kind of nonstick that apparently isn't the kind that gets really fucked up if you use it or even look at it. But I think the thing about nonstick is everybody's a pussy.

I think it's going to hurt them. Isn't that the issue with nonstick? So that's one. And that's why a bunch of people started these nuancified nonstick companies. I think it's called PFAs. It's like a thing in the coating that they feel if it gets really hot or scorched. But you're saying if you make it canary yellow, it won't hurt you anymore? Yeah. And if you get an artist from Brooklyn. to paint a tomato onto it, it'll actually make you healthier. Like, you actually can't die. Yeah, you'll live forever if you buy one of these.

Yeah. Yeah, I just feel like that was such a particular time. But you're right, that was because the food, that was like, I feel like that was the first time all of that shit boomed when it was the heady days of the Bon Appetit test kitchen. Yep. And like, that natural wines, we were like, whoa. A sour juice? I'm proud to say I've never watched a Bon Appetit video in my entire life. Really? No. Should we watch one right now together? I don't know. I feel like anybody I know that did that, I know in real life and I don't need to see them do that now.

You know what I mean? Does the name Claire Saffitz mean anything? Like, I can't believe you haven't seen... No, I have no idea. Wow. We've had Molly Baz on the pod. We've had Carla Lolly Music on the pod. We've had... Andy? Who else? Andy Bargani on the pod. We've had most of the... I don't know the one you just said, though. Is she hot, though? Or what's the... Why are you asking? She's, like, spiritually so sexy to me because she's just, like, a fantastic, deft, kind of stern pastry chef. And she had this serious...

I think their most popular series where she would like reverse engineer junk food, which as we've established, it's like a little bit of me. So she's like a bitchy chick who will teach you how to make a Reese's peanut butter cup at home. Not bitchy, but like really disappointed in herself all the time in the series. Like she would be doing like a 10,000 step molecular gastronomy thing to try to like reverse engineer a Twinkie. And you could tell she was just like. so frustrated she couldn't get it yeah she yeah she she kind of like carolyn um my wife she she considers her baking like you know she reaches to her cookbook for like when i want mommy to tell me to tell me what to do like she she opens that book up you know what i mean that's exactly right claire sappets is like mommy and she's perfect i think you should seriously watch her it's not dominatrix it's not bdsm but it's a little not what does she do now what does she do now that's still from her kitchen in new york and she does she her thing i think the reason why you guys maybe i mean why you jason maybe don't know her as well is because she's like not really for the tiktok brain rot era she's very soft-spoken and she takes her time to give ideas she would never be caught dead going like

Vodka and pie crust? Let me tell you why. And then diving in. And by the way, I would. But she wouldn't. She's an expert. I don't know her because I don't cook, but you're saying that her approach is a little too old school maybe for today's minds. It's not even that. I think that's taking it a level too far. I think in this day and age, we're not even paying attention to what we're paying attention to. We're just scrolling so fast that if something doesn't... actively reach out and throttle you while you're just mindlessly scrolling in bed you're not even going to see at a register that that person exists enter the hook let alone pick up a book and read it huh no god no a book i wouldn't so anyway your new book's out now no actually read it on the um on the subject of bon appetit i had a a question a little bit of a shot in the dark but while you were briefly doing some open mic stand-up in New York while you were working in finance, what percentage of your material was based on the Bon Appetit universe?

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Oh my God, zero. I was so afraid of them. And also when I was in my 20s, I like... Didn't understand that I was extremely just unimportant and irrelevant to the rest of the universe. I'm just a piece of flotsam in the ocean. I didn't get that yet. You really mattered to no one at all. Totally. So the idea that I would talk about someone else that was in New York in my stand-up set and not falsify it in some, I never, ever would have done that. I would have died.

So then you didn't really have the cojones to be a stand-up comedian is what it sounds like. Obviously. I mean, look at me. I don't even have the cojones to put my hair behind my ears. I don't know. Wait, so what kind of jobs have you had? Because I feel like you've already listed three, and you're what? You're 21? So that's kind of crazy. Yeah, I'm 21. I'm 35 as of last week. I've had a lot of jobs. I spent three years as a barista. What did I do? Oh, I did a bunch of internships in college at magazines.

I worked on Wall Street for almost six years. That's where you met your husband, I hope. I met my husband in college. Actually, he's the reason I went into Wall Street. He's been holding your ass down for that long? Where does he work? He better work at one of the big three. Law firms, banks, something. He works at a very small real estate investment firm. Okay, here we go. Very small. Got it, got it, got it. Small team portfolio. Lars, though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, really small. They're based in a brownstone.

I've known you for 20 minutes. I knew you had a husband who made bread. You'd love him. I already do. He'd pay for dinner. Do you know what podcasts your husband listens to? He's not a big podcaster. He watches pretty much every TV show ever made. It doesn't matter if it's like... elf man or season two or like industry or like the sopranos like literally he's just like injecting television into his brain everyone can get touched unless he unless it came out before 2011 and then he says the picture is old I don't even know what that means.

He says the picture is old. He won't watch Californication. Is your husband 19? The quality of the image. He'll be 19 next week. He's saying the quality of the image is not... pleasurable to his eye, his discerning eye. I guess, but I wish he'd just say that. When he says the picture is old, I feel like we're in an old folks home and he's going to throw his cane at the TV. Like, bro, this is not black and white. Obama was in office, bro. It's not that. Girls is actually really good.

Totally. He won't watch Girls. Not because of the plot. Sure. It's the picture issue. It's a picture. When you worked on Wall Street, what did you do? I raised capital for private equity funds. So we would like get hired by these GPs who would say, I want to raise a billion dollars for an energy debt fund. And we would work with them for like two or three years doing everything from crafting their marketing message to making all the materials to setting up these meetings with investors all over the country to getting feedback on the meetings and basically getting people to write checks.

What character on industry were you? None. When I first watched Industry. Sweet Pea Rising? She's like, I'm not into strap-ons. I don't do that kind of stuff. I didn't say that. When I first watched Industry, I just laughed and laughed because it's not like that. It's so boring. There needs to be a show that's just actually what it's like to work on Wall Street as a 22-year-old. It's like the most exciting thing in your day is literally getting up for the first time after nine hours. walking from your cubicle and you're like smelly high heels because you've been in them since like 6am to the like free coffee dispenser that's 15 feet away and being like oh maybe i'll put a sugar in my coffee like i know that's not good for me but maybe it'll get me i'm gonna try french vanilla today yeah you're saying that you're saying that your experience in finance you weren't partying i don't know if i believe no we were drinking a ton but again it's not unless like hilarious uh it's it's in this in a way that i as a cynical person found so funny like i loved watching these men just get absolutely tanked and i loved hanging out with them and we had the best time but it was so silly like it wasn't sexy industry's so horny you know industry's like cool it's like these hot kids running around so so when you would go to the office with all the guys and you'd hit mixorleys and and put a bunch back how often did you end up kissing a woman in a nightclub.

This is my point. Like, never. Never. You're telling me you never had sex with Kiernan Shipka? You didn't have sex with Kiernan Shipka at one time? I did, but she would work in my office. No, we would go out. We would get really drunk. There was this thing called the Quarterly where all 75 team members in our group from all over the world would get flown out to New York. And apparently it used to be this really glamorous thing before the recession where they would get flown to different countries or like Breakers, Palm Beach.

So from a comment, there was like this vibe, you know, like when your cool uncle visits, when you're a kid and your parents get all like quarters day. Totally. They like batch a cocktail. It was like, that was the vibe. And we would like go to PJ Clark's sidecar. You put a Negroni in the fricking water filter in the office. But like the worst thing I ever saw anyone do, even when we would like get really wasted, stay out really late, would be like, I don't know, like, like either like a boring drug or like a little, like a.

tobacco in the lip i don't you know like a dip like it wasn't there were not women were not kissing so things would even escalate to the level where you have a zen on certain nights exactly like i would have a zen and then i would like puke in the uber okay so a real marathon partying marathon partying but isn't the point of these jobs to stick with it because then you'll eventually make a lot of money yeah so that was obviously something i did wrong You're like, instead of money, I'm going to make biscuits.

Yeah, that's what I said. No, I stuck with it as long as I could. And I looked around and I was like, wow, it got easier every year, right? You're like getting more and more senior. You're getting paid like two or three times as much and you're delegating and there are people under you. And I could look around and I could see what life I would have. And in fact, I could literally see it because a lot of the time we would either like go to each other's apartments or... drop off pitch books at someone's house or whatever.

Like we knew their wives, we knew their kids. I literally could see where my kids would go to school and how much money I would have and where my Hamptons house would be. But I kind of just couldn't bring myself to not leave and become a writer, which I know sounds so egotistical and dumb. I think it was like my whole life I had wanted to be one and my whole life my parents were like, don't. That's the worst thing you can do. They were newspaper journalists when I was a kid at Newsday on Long Island.

And they were like being a writer. worst career path you could pick it's just full of rejection it pays nothing like you're just always scrambling and striving and hustling and it's just such a bummer and i like really tried to internalize that and it just didn't work like eventually it just broke well i think on on the plus side you have that to fall back on if your career your creative path didn't work out luckily it seems to be working out well for you but you know god forbid something does happen you you are armed with those skills we can get that 401k juiced up again i don't think i could go back to wall street that's my strategy i have all the time where i'm like back after three years and everyone's sort of acting like i never left but i don't remember what anything means but i think my fallback plan is like a cpg company like i would love to i feel like i'm such an idiot like i would be really i'm like a protein whipped cream doesn't that sound like something if i invented it you'd buy it today if it came out right now but unfortunately you got to be ahead of the curve you know no that's true if you can make some impossible crab legs for slutty vegans out there I'll put 10K in right now.

RIP Slutty Vegan. Sorry. Do you know Slutty Vegan, Ella? Are you familiar with Slutty Vegan? It was a female-owned POC, small business from the Atlanta, Georgia area where I'm from that was bad boy vegan food. And they did close and are bankrupt because she owes millions of dollars. They were where Salt Hanks is now. There was a Slutty Vegan in my neighborhood. Yeah, there's a few here, I think. And all of the sandwich names were like... dripping wet BLT. It's literally like sloppy toppy tuna. For real. Let me get a wet ass pastrami, no onions.

It's honestly, there were people talking about the menu yesterday when they announced the bankruptcy and I was like, this is, it was the hottest. It like really worked for like a year. Like people were talking about it every, there's lines out the door and all of them. It was like a whole, but veganism in general has really fallen off as far as popular culture goes. So I think it, the. tide's turn i was working last year in la in a writer's room and i remember i was talking to someone else who worked there she was a woman who had moved out from new york um just for this job and i was ranting about this place slutty vegan being on my block we were talking about how there's this like revolving door of things on bleaker street and she said oh slutty vegan i know that place that's my boyfriend's favorite restaurant in new york and i was like i never do this but

Dump him. Yeah, that's actually amazing. Of all the restaurants in New York? That's crazy. That's really cool. That's really cool. Like, is he dead? Is it like a weak enough Bernie situation where he's just been propped up for the six years you've known him and someone's like... Puppet in here? Weekend at Slutty's. Weekend at Slutty's does have a nice ring to it, Jason. It's too bad I'm already married. That'd be such a good wedding, bachelorette theme. Weekend at Slutty's? At Slutty Vegans. Yeah. On the subject of eating pussy, you wrote a story called Let Them Eat Goo about, you know, we were talking about Harry Styles earlier in the pod.

He's a big runner and those runner types like to... Suck down some of those goo pouches. That's what you were talking about, I'm assuming. Yeah, liquid salad. Liquid salad. Have you had that? I know about that, but I thought you were talking about Martin, the ones that all the runners use for fuel. They call it nutrition when they're running. No. You're talking about the salad bags for children that men now eat. Yeah, this is a little bit more sinister. Yeah, exactly. It's basically a new line of meal replacement. products marketed toward the modern millennial, like Soylent 2.0, 3.0.

So there's this one liquid salad backed by a grown man who calls himself Fiber Daddy online. And it's basically like a salad, but it's blended into a pouch. Yeah, I've seen these. I get ads for them on Instagram. You can just say that you eat them. No, I don't. I would try one. I'm sure somebody from their marketing team listens to the pod. You have my address. You have my sizes. Bring it over. I hope Fiber Daddy does it. What does Fiber Daddy look like, though, is the question. Because if he's snatched, then I get it.

Is he hotter than the Liver King? He's hotter than Leverking for sure, but that's like a weird bar, I think. Low bar, yeah. Not even a low bar, just a strange bar. He's like a normal looking guy. I have 28 in my closet right now. I'll bring you one. I'll Uber curry it to you. What flavor do you like the best? Is it just salad flavor? There's only one flavor, yeah. It tastes like applesauce and like cucumber and gel, and it tastes a little bit like seaweed. yeah like at the back that's one of the it's like that's a twisted flavor combo that you just described it's a tough it's a tough fact yeah well do you i haven't read the article so i don't know exactly um what what happens at the end but do you do you predict anything for the future do you see a world where we're reading sweet green sales earnings quarters are not looking good we're pivoting to wraps Are you going to see, you know, these protein maxing fast casual places pivot into the goo space?

It's an interesting question. Hey, Shoddy, let me pivot into the goo space. Yeah, I hope they don't slip. It's a good question because on one hand, you know, Soylent is like totally fucked. They've released a lot of stuff lately being like. It's people. And on the other hand, you know, the people I spoke to for the story were like, I'm busier than ever. We live in this late-stage capitalism hellscape where everything's vying for my attention and I can be reached by anyone at any time and I'm just constantly getting text messages and my kids are screaming and I have to take them to the thing and then I want to watch TikTok in the middle.

So if I can eat a meal replacement bar instead of a lunch, sometimes that solves a problem for me. But I do think... largely and i hope in the next few years or maybe a little longer we'll have like a major cultural blowback and we'll become kind of much more analog and it'll probably get really obnoxious before it gets better like in the early 2000s i used to yeah we all stay at the ace hotel when they put a record player and a guitar exactly that's like exactly what i was just gonna say like the when you know the guy you knew from college had a record player and every week he would go to like a different record store and get A different one.

It's going to be like that. I really like Bob Dylan. Homemade pizza sauce is actually better than... Well, I mean, I think there already is a little bit of a movement. And I actually, as a bar, a longtime bar lover, not just Xanax, I mean nutritional, I do think the line of thinking that it's better to just eat food, like regular real food, is obviously healthier every time. Sure. And I do hear people... I think that is a line of thinking that is, is, is making its way back a little bit.

And also there's another complicating strain though, which is like, if this was just the Soylent era, of course there would be this blowback where we would be going back to like Ace Hotel record, eat real food, Alison Roman, chickpeas in a pot type of thing. But now there's also this like Maha politicized nature, I think to Whole Foods. Well, that's why I'm, that's the only reason I, that's the only reason I ever eat real food. You love Bobby. You have no idea how much we love Bobby on this podcast. I mean, you had Olivia on, I saw.

That's not why. We don't like him for his sexual reasons. We just like him because he's funny and he wears jeans, just like me. That's big of you. Actually, while we have you here, just a quick aside, Chris and I, we were talking about it earlier. Do you have any suspicion or idea what... he's hiding under those jeans when he's working out. The reason why he never takes the jeans off. We're not talking about his penis. We're not talking about his huge penis. So, you know, people have said varicose veins, a racist tattoo, you know, some weird disfigurement, a burn accident, heavy machinery, something like that.

What's he hiding under there? I think it's like, you know how he's, you know, like the Maha people really hate like 5G and like cordless headphones. I think it's a bunch of like. wireless iphone chargers that when he puts his uh phones in the pockets of his pants they like plug right in and he doesn't want anyone to know he's doing that because it's affecting his fertility great idea this is this is a great idea so he's a human hot spot yeah well no he's a human mobi charger so they're called those things you can like slap your phone on yeah what imagine imagine you meet him at a press conference you give him a hug and your phone charge starts charging you don't know why that's actually awesome that would make me I want to give him a bigger hug.

So you're saying he's a Maha charging pad. Yeah, because he's got to keep in touch. He's got to keep tweeting. He's got to get back to dawn. He can never be off the clock, even at the gym. Because we talked about this on Monday's podcast. How much liver are you eating personally? Yeah, right. I only eat liver every day, every meal. I only eat it when I'm in a... in a restaurant where it's been pureed with heavy cream and shallots and cherry vinegar and it's like spread on toast usually that's like that's only when I'm encountering it unless my dad's like Sometimes my dad's very whimsical and sometimes he'll go to the market because my mom's been on him for three days to buy yogurt.

He'll come back and be like, when I was a boy, your Grammy used to make me liver work. And then he'll cut a slice of it and eat it on a crunchy cracker. Liver and onions for lunch. Who wants it? That I would encounter. But that's once every 10 years. Would your dad take that as a compliment or as a diss that you called him whimsical? Oh, I think it's just like a statement of fact. My dad is like the most whimsical man alive. Like he's so goddamn silly. What does he do all the time?

Does he still work or is he chilling now? He retired last month and I actually have an answer for you because yesterday I woke up to like a 3,000 word text. I can read it to you if you want. In which he said... Now that I'm retired, I let myself sleep until 7 m. And your mom's right. She's been saying for years, the best sleep is between 5 and 7 m. It's when you fall into your deepest dreams. And then something like, you know, like nectar of the gods, you sleep like the dead, like he gets very.

And then he described in many characters a dream he'd had in which I was like sort of a bitch. And then my sister, who everyone prefers to me, was like kind of awesome. Wow. Okay. So. Yeah. Okay. So your dad needs a job, basically, is what you're saying. Because it's already, it sounds like it's going pretty bad already. No, I think he's really happy. He loves ChatGBT and AI. So he's like really thrilled, I think, to just be able to like. Talk to his new friend. Literally, yeah. He can monitor the situation.

He's a big situation monitor. He's monitoring Iran right now. He's monitoring a number of situations. My mom and him are opposite in terms of their aesthetic and lifestyle preferences. And she's like an anti-hoarder. Like when I was a kid growing up, you like put your homework on the table and got a glass of water. She'd be like, who's trash is this thing throwing it out? And he's like, he would be most comfortable if he was just like mummified and like a series of colorful cords, like the notches sticking out and stuff.

So she like relegated him to this space in our house. They call it the grottage, which is like an outbuilding in the back that used to be really beautiful. before she let him go into it. And now he's filled with like... Is that grotto and cottage combined into one word? Grottage? The grottage. That's exactly right. Beautiful. And it's hilarious because it's this stunning space. Grottage cheese. My mom used to have this interior design blog. It's got these beautiful wainscoting walls. But now my dad has six screens all in a row.

And somehow an extra large keyboard. I think he ordered from Amazon where all the keys are rainbow. And kind of light up. I think your dad is jacking off on webcams. I'm sorry to break it to you, Ella. Your dad's charging people for this. Your retired father is a gamer chick. good for him he got these headphones that have little cat ears on them that light up i just thought they sounded super good and all my friends online said they were cool so yeah so he's into crypto now he actually is really into crypto but um yes he has the grottage and it's just filled with all this stuff and it's this hilarious juxtaposition of this like gorgeous aesthetic dream and then just like 3,000 cords and like tiny sculptures he's purchased at garage sales.

Okay. Now, just because we're talking about it, your sister that they like more than you, why do you think they like her more? I do too, by the way. She's awesome. Both my sisters are so awesome. Oh, there's three of you and are you number three or number two in the rankings? I don't know. I think I'm probably my mom's second favorite and my dad's third. Okay. Thanks for the honesty. Yeah, I appreciate the honesty. Do they have kids? Is that why they're ahead or are they just generally better? They're so awesome.

One does have kids, but that's not why they're ahead. My older sister is the funniest person I've ever met. She's truly the most delightful and wonderful human. What does she do for a living? She's a psychologist in a high security men's prison in Sacramento. Oh, my God. Selfless job as well. Well, that's all that. A classic comedy job. No, but she's like so funny outside of it. And our entire life. You got to laugh if you're doing that for a living. I think that's exactly right. And she does. She's so funny.

She's like so funny. I can't go anywhere in public with her because it's. Anyway, my little sister is, she lives in LA and she's just like classic little sister, like stunningly gorgeous. So supportive. So nice. Everyone I've ever met is like, are you Clementine sister? Like they're like, they're kind of surprised, you know? Like have you got, you're probably going to ask me that now. Does she have a man? She does for now. Hold on. Hold on. Similar to when I said, which blank are you? Which member of Haim are you?

oh um oh i'm definitely not the skinny older one um that's all of them now the the band yeah no i thought the band leader no the older one isn't it esty oh oh okay oh esty i'm sorry yes yes yes and i'm not the like quintessentially hot one i'm like the third one that's like more fun loving and like I think she's the one that makes them do the social media dances. So she probably has something deep within her where she needs to seek validation. That sounds like me. Alana, the actress.

Yes. The one that's in films. Okay, so you're Alana. I mean, it's not like you're bad or anything. They're just like less of a bitch than you. Totally. And also, I get it. I'm like pretty low energy. You know, like when we all go home for the holidays, I'm like, I'll come out for like an hour. They're like wonderful. They're abusive. You're like in your high school goon cave and they're out hanging out with your parents. I don't have a goon cave on record. But yeah, I come out and I try to mask that I'm sort of antisocial.

I cook for everyone. Yeah, exactly. I make a big meal. But I will like totally have my headphones in and it'll be like under my hair and I'll be listening to like a murder mystery on Audible. And then if anyone tries to talk to me, I like rip it out and I'm like, what? Mom, you said you have avocado oil. This is bullshit. Okay, so your parents have two golden retrievers and one cat. Yeah, exactly. You're not bad, but you can't compete with the golden retriever. No, and I wouldn't want to.

I love them. I'm so glad they're great. It takes a load off. This sounds like a pretty good dynamic. For sure. You said your little sister lives in A. Are you in A. right now as well or soon to be? Well, I will be in A. tomorrow. I'm in the West Village right now. And I'm headquartered. I live in the West Village. But I spend a lot of time in A. for work. Okay, okay. But you're doing some pop-ups at some friends of ours restaurants next week. Oh, that's right. Tomorrow I'm doing one at Quarter Sheet.

Sorry, I don't know if you can hear my dog. It's going crazy. I'm doing one tomorrow at Quarter Sheet. Hold on. This fucking dog, this is the most West Village ass dog I've ever seen in my fucking life. Get that motherfucker off my screen. Does this dog have a food name or no? Before I throw matcha at my screen. It's even worse. His name is Mouse. Oh, hell no. Oh my God. I'm just happy you're not wearing a park sweatshirt. Your dog is in a Bushwick polycule. Literally. Mouse did the dishes and wants to know if she could get a bump.

Mouse already bought my book and posted it to Stories and Tag Me. Her work is so important. Yeah, and the next week I'm doing... No, it's he. He often gets that, though. He gets misgendered a lot. Might be classic Jason. Sorry, playa. I'm popping up at Etra next week. Are those your friends? Yeah, both. Yes, both, both. Both friends of the pot. Hopefully I'll see you there. Yeah, I'm not going to be a quarter, but I'm going to try to go to Etra. I went to Quarter Sheets on Sunday, and I did a wild card dessert.

Whoa, what was it? It was like a grapefruit pie of some kind with like a graham cracker crust. This was not the Mercat lime. pineapple cake that we podcasted about no this was this was some sort of I'm sorry but I there was there was obviously something more sinister that I was with Ryan O'Connell he got the bad boy when I got the one that was like fruity which is rare for me but I wanted to take a risk because I trust them what's the bad boy one oh you know like a bread pudding or some you know just some like

shit you know is gonna smell like a chocolate chip cookie yeah just some fucked up sticky toffee yeah melty chocolate thingy well actually speaking of la and and restaurants i want to know where you want to eat where you're going to eat and um you were mentioning chicken liver you gotta go get the the chicken liver at squirrel dinner oh is it good best in class yeah it's either the it's either first or second best in LA I feel like there's been so little coverage of it so far which like makes sense because it's LA so the food coverage is sort of like limited to Max and Helen's a lot unless you're reading the LA Times And by food coverage, of course, I mean on social media.

What's Max and Helen's? I haven't heard of Max and Helen's. What's that? It's a small, classic diner. You'd really love it. Just very classic vibes. It doesn't seem like Nicholas Bronson investor at all. Okay, well, are you going to go to Max and Helen's? No, because I don't wait in lines. I'm depressed. Yeah, but you can get the plug. You're plugged up, right? I'm not going to ask somebody to skip the line for a pancake. A plug to Phil Rosenthal. I have the plug. Okay, Jason, do you want to go next week to Max and Homes?

We can go. Yeah, we can go. Yeah, I'll go with you, but I won't wait in line. For me, LA dining is kind of two things. One is there are a number of sort of hole-in-the-wall spots that are more or less kind of like take out or very fast that you would go for an hour or two. I mean, sorry, 10 minutes. I love sweet green. I love sweet green. Not sweet green, but like Northern Thai food club. They have wraps now. They have wraps now. I actually did text my husband today about wraps.

Like this is how joyous my pregnancy life is. I text him. I wish we had a magic wrap machine. That if I pushed a button, it would spit out a wrap that's warm and crunchy on the outside and full of a delicious saucy salad on the inside with some meat. I mean, in reply. This motherfucker, this motherfucker is at work. You're like, I got this bitch pregnant. He's like, so such a good guy. I feel so bad. But yeah. uh no it's for me it's like spots you go to for like 10 to 30 minutes and eat like 6 000 calories like northern chai food club it's like i'll hit every three nights while i'm there I love love to eat.

So the old saying, LA has better food, New York has better restaurants? No, I don't think that's true at all. I feel like people are way too harsh on LA. I think one of the best restaurants in the world is Musso & Frank. That's one of the worst restaurants on earth. You're out of your fucking mind. Saying LA has better food is not necessarily going hard on them. Inedible. I would say it's complimentary. I think Moose Elk Frank has the best food. I think it's just a fabulous restaurant. I kind of disagree.

I think it's very mid. I think it's just kind of mid all around. Well, Chris, since you don't drink, it's kind of dead in the water for you. But there's 15 restaurants like that in New York. I was going to ask. I would never go. I won't go there this trip because I'm not drinking because I'm pregnant. I almost think because I'm sober. Would you guys realize that if you have to drink at a restaurant, maybe we're doing the wrong thing. Just something. I'm just putting it out there. Maybe that's it.

It's a beautiful establishment. It's a restaurant where you don't go there for the food. I don't go to any restaurant for the food, though. You go there for the sidecar. And I think another one of the best restaurants in the world is in LA, which is Roast Duck by Paword. I think that's both a fantastic food and fantastic restaurant. Have you guys been there? Yeah, I have, but there's much better duck to be had in LA. What? It's in the top 10, but it's not in the top five. Can I get your top five?

I feel like I... Off record. He can't blow up the duck spot. He'll get canceled. Are you a duck lover? I don't want him to blow up the duck spot. I am a duck lover, but I'm like a paw word lover primarily. I love everything about it. I love when you go to the bathroom and there's like a colander full of cabbage in the sink. It's just one of my favorite places. I've never even heard of this. I mean, I don't eat duck, but I've never even heard of this. You don't eat duck ever?

I don't eat meat. Duck is a meat. Technically, I don't love to kill cute animals. That's just me. Where is the duck place? It's in Taitown. It's on the border of Taitown and Little Armenia. It's a little lunch spot. You can get a little plate with some rice and some crispy duck. Do they also have Hainan chicken? as well or i don't remember everything on the menu has stuck so there's like an incredible spicy roast duck curry there's like a duck salad that has like apples and All right. You're telling me you're eating duck for lunch?

Oh, you have to because they sell out by the evening. You can't really go for dinner. Oh, hell no. You can't eat duck. People are getting crazy with lunch. It's crazy. Duck is a very nice protein, healthy fat. No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that I know you ain't getting duck. It ain't rotisserie duck. There's a lot of other shit with it. You know what I'm saying? She's not getting duck curry at noon is just a little gnarly. Not for me. Okay. You're saying you're built for this shit.

I'm built for duck at noon. When I don't have duck at noon, I'm hungry for the rest of the day. You're feeling off. That's when you reach for your David bar. Exactly. Don't talk to mama until she's had her dad. If I don't get my duck in a blueberry David bar to tide me over. I'll slam a liquid salad. I just need a lot to tide me over if I don't get my duck. What are you doing at these restaurants? You're cooking. At these restaurants? No, they're cooking foods from my book.

And in some cases, we're collaborating to make a Frankenstein menu item. This is fucking crazy. So to promote your book, you're making your friends work, is what you're saying? Totally, yeah. But also, those restaurants get to have a random Wednesday where they sell out because she markets it on her end and everyone makes a little bit of money, sell a few books, we have fun. Let's find out, Jason. Ella, how are ticket sales? Well, I don't know, blissfully. But I agree with you, Chris. It's awful. The whole promoting of a book process is just so humiliating.

It's just asking people to do work for you. It's emailing your friend and being like, will you write an article about me? Will you do a podcast episode that I'm on? As someone who hates to do extra work, I viscerally feel it. And I hate asking anyone for anything. Somebody was talking to me about this recently saying something very similar. And I think that if it's your actual friends, they're happy to do it. I don't think anybody would actually be bothered. I think people are, once you finish, I don't know, I've never written a book, but I feel like once I do finish that book, when I'm making that call that I've been saving up all my juice for, I'm not going to ask this person for any favors until it's go time.

I feel like the excitement of making that call and saying like, Hey books out, let's do this fucking podcast, bro. You know, whatever it is, you know, you sound like you have high self esteem. I agree that like, they shouldn't be so put out by it, but. i don't know i'm not put out by it if someone calls me and they're like hey can you go to my house and like do all this stuff and i'm like absolutely because i love to feel useful but i think i'm like a freak no but jason makes a good point as well like a wednesday night or whatever it's like something exciting to do that gets people in the door and it's fun for everybody and i also think that this is how i feel about texting people for reservations because finally Food people are like, that's my job.

I don't care. I'm happy to do it. It's not annoying to me. I hate texting for reservations. I'd rather like... That's the only way to go to a restaurant anymore, so you don't have a choice. I know. I know. I mean, it is. But I like when someone else does it, and then I get to be in there and party. That's me. Passenger princess. That is preferred. Exactly. Passenger princess bench scraping stuff up the passenger seat. Is this table open? What car are you going to drive in LA? I'm probably not going to drive a car.

I rented a car when I was there for a while last year, and it was so heavenly, and I just don't want to ruin the memory. I think I'm an Uber. You want to preserve car summer forever? Literally. I feel like my car was my safe space. I was living like a 1940s ad man. I was waking up and making a mocha pot of coffee and getting in my rental car and driving to the studio, and I would like, let's blast music. Do it again. I do it every day. I'm a really bad driver.

I know you are. Every time I get in a car, there's a risk of, you know, I'm a bad driver. You could tell. Oh yeah. The second I met you, I just wouldn't get in the car with you. I think you have anxiety around all types of traveling and transportation. Okay. So not true. And actually my husband is like nightmarishly anxious about. Air travel. I was just reflecting today. I'm so glad I'm flying alone tomorrow. We call him the manager when he flies because he acts like he's actually the pilot of the plane.

When we go on a 12-hour flight, he doesn't sleep a wink. Wait, let me ask you a question. Yeah, please. When you get on the plane, do you wipe down the seat? No. Me? I didn't think so. I didn't think so, but I had to ask. We just met. I'm like Hagrid. When I get on the plane in my ripped pajama pants from 2004 with goldfish falling off of my person, am I wiping down the seat? I didn't think so, but that's my true judge of character. If you wipe down the seat, I don't think you're for me.

No, you're not for me. Also, when they hand me that little thing, I'm like, I don't like when someone gives me something I know I'm going to have to throw out. They've stopped doing that. Really? Then I wish they would give me that thing. Airlines are so cheap. They really have. I noticed that like a year ago. I was like, oh, they stopped doing this because now you can really identify the true freaks because they bring their own. Yeah. Oh, so true. I was. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to tell that story.

It makes me sound bad. But I'm glad that my husband isn't traveling with me tomorrow because I'll be able to just enjoy the fact that like if the plane goes down, it's just going to go down. with all of us on it. Best way to die. If he was on the plane and it started to go down, he would ask to talk to the pilot. I'm not kidding. Can I have a word? He's like Mark Wahlberg with the 9-11 plane. If I was on that plane, it wouldn't have gone down that way.

Your husband would have landed this thing. That's my favorite. I forgot about that. My husband identifies as the main character in Hijack. You know what I mean? He's like, I'm going to solve this hijack. And I'm like, I'm not. I'm going to take... All of the Ativan in my purse. Okay, so he sits down. He knows exactly what row to have eyes on the situation. He starts flipping buttons on the ceiling that aren't there, like he's in the cockpit and things like that. It's worse. Before we get on the plane, he starts scrolling anxiously at the airport because he's made us get there like hours in advance.

And he goes, oh, no IFE. And I'm always go, what's IFV? And he says, in-play entertainment. I always have to tell you. And he's like looking at a model. Our airplane is on his phone. And then we get on the plane. and i'm airbus 312 fuck i hate this model no ife and also by the way this is a man who hates being bored he's like the most adhd man i've met my entire life but he has like never packed a book downloaded a tv show downloaded a podcast like anything in his entire life and so he's like oh no ife so he's already in a horrible mood anxiety's building we get in the air and then immediately he starts he'll i'll be like nodding off and he'll tell me i'll be like Yeah, so we just descended about 5,000 feet in a two-minute span, which is really irregular, but I'm keeping an eye on the situation.

And I'm like, to what end? Yeah, big bro, what are you going to do if we go 10,000? You can't do shit about this. We went on our honeymoon once. We were flying to... I love him so much. We were flying to Turkey. Like that you have to preface that. Where were you flying? Did you say you were flying to Tahiti? Turkey. To Turkey. We were flying in Turkey. And it was like one of those situations where on like a regional carrier. I think we were flying from like Istanbul to Batya or something.

Like, you know, it's like we didn't know anything that was going on the whole time. You weren't on the Emirates flight is what you're saying. No, absolutely not. Your hair transplant looks really good. They did a great job. Thank you. I got very big teeth. And it was one of those situations where like. People start saying stuff in a different language on the speaker and everyone around us starts anxiously wrestling and going like, oh my God, oh my God. And then someone gets on the thing and very painstakingly sort of says in broken English, like, hey, so it's like a really hard landing today.

It's super, super cloudy and the winds are really strong. So we're going to attempt it, but it might not work. they just say that right and then we're like what the fuck like that can't be how they actually said it you know fluently hold on like i'm sure that can't be the word for word translation i'm sure they said into the thing like and then if it doesn't work we'll like come back up and we'll try it again and we'll circle but they go like but it might not work and then and it like turns up and the plane starts descending and like

It's like a wind strike against the plane. Like the whole thing is like vibrating up and down and side to side in there and things are sort of being thrown around us. It's like getting closer and closer to touching down. And my husband gets so... worked up. He's like, they can't do this. What's going on? They can't do this. They can't attempt to land in these conditions. And I was like, why are you unbuckling your seatbelt and standing up? What are you going to do? You're going to go talk to someone?

Why are you unbuckling your seatbelt? They locked the cockpit. And he said, Ella, let me do what I need to do. And he's walking toward the front of the plane. And I was like, oh my god, he's actually going to... asked to talk to the pilot and then a flight attendant very sternly was like sit down stern he was like okay no problem and he just got back in his seat and buckled and got ready to die i like the idea of just going up to the cockpit and just not just tapping on the door hey what's going on like hey are you sure you've got this through i know this is kind of your thing or whatever but i'd like to give some feedback if you don't mind did he think it was pilot suicide or just like no one but him had considered that it could be a bad idea you're like oh yeah crashing is bad i agree thanks man thanks man wow well i mean i feel bad for your husband outing him like that a little bit but it was a good story and i think i love him i love him so much ella thank you for joining us on how long gone obsessed with the best is everywhere you buy books i i assume it's available everywhere you buy books it is if you're in la go to quarter sheets go to etra and i'm sure they can follow you on um instagram to find out about more public appearances that's right thanks for having me i mean public appearances beyond the five guys on 7th Avenue.

Yeah. Please don't say hi to me if you see me there. I will sidebar about Squirrel and Duck. Yeah, please. And Max and Hallens. And Max and Hallens as well. Great. Wow, you guys have a full plan. All right. Well, thank you for joining us. Honestly, it was a pleasure. And safe travels. We'll see you soon. Bye, guys. I'll be at it The right window treatments change everything. Your sleep, your privacy, the way every room looks and feels. At com, we've spent 30 years making it surprisingly simple to get exactly what your home needs.

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